death.

2 nights ago, i dreamt that i was in the verge of dying. dying without making any sound. but struggling. struggling not out of death, but of fear that no one can save me in that lame way of dying. in my sleep.

that dream reminds me a line from a song... am jealous of the people who are not afraid to die.
am i afraid to die?
why is death being feared?
who are those that are not afraid?
what are the signs of one being not afraid?
when can we say were no longer afraid of death?

i told my colleagues about my dream, and they jokingly said that i need to change.
i need to be good. hehehe.
am i really that bad?
bitchy?
i dunno.
maybe for some.
maybe those things that i have done for them.
are not enough.
am not out to please.
i will just do what i think is enough.


i know why i am not ready to face the big D.
i have not achieved anything yet.
it's not that i am not contented. for who can be contented?
no one.
no one is complete. they just think they are.
no one is satisfied.
they always crave for something, anything.
human will never be contented. no matter what intentions their contentment focuses on.
good. bad.
still they will not be contented.

some say they do not fear death. is it really true? is this braveness?
fearing death is cowardice. is it really true?
but those who have said that they do not fear death, have they been in the "brink" of it?
have they felt how their body stiffened?
how their breath slowly leaves their body.
have they felt that as if there's this big invisble stone on top of their lungs? not hurting them in a way stones should be however it was so heavy that you cannot breath.
have they felt the fear?

maybe they are ready for that, maybe some have already been there.
or maybe they just think that death will be as easy as cutting your breath and whola!

i use to say that, i dont fear facing the big D.
but 2 nights ago.
made me re-think.
next step?
i dont know.
for now. it's enough for me to know.
that i am no longer jealous of people. who are not afraid to die.
my time will come. i will accept it.
but i am not afraid to admit that no matter if i have achieved anything
or nothing when that time comes. i still dread the day i'll face the big D.




fear. it's eating me.

all messed up.

nah... nothing.
i dont have anything in my mind that i want to write
my brain's blank right now
i just want to heard the keyboard
see words in the screen
blogspot's been blocked in the office
so whenever i dont feel good and i wanted to write all the shit in my blog... i can't
my sentiments. my "kabaduyan" ...they'll just be stucked in my lil ass and be converted into
stinky farts!
talked to ge just awhile ago
gosh how i miss the big fat guy
how i wish he's here
to balance me.
hervee's here but were both so preoccupied that we dont have time to bond
i dont wanna force the guy to spend time with me
he got his own stuff to deal with.
i miss alot of people.
i have been enjoying the comfort of my lil room lately
i feel so eager going home and the idea of going to the office irritates me. alot.
i maybe really hating my job that much
i cant see any growth any achievements or anything nice anymore
blasted.
is this what single life is?
no boyfriend to drive to insanity
no dates
no arguments
just plain me.
i argue with myself.
alot
hmp.
i got this small lump down there somewhere that i can feel
but am scared to face the truth that it might be some dangerous stuff.
hmmm. am wrong. my mind is not blank. it's all messed up.
i cannot gather my thoughts.
or i refuse to.
am not suppose to have this load of angst inside me.
there's one person whom i know have the right to carry loads and loads of angst.
sonny.
hehehe.
i think i need to read more about cyst and cancer.
scary?. maybe. it's in my boom boom... not inside it but in the big fatty area of my boom boom.
that this hard lump exist.
enough.
gotta sleep.

5:32:00...ironic

clinging to my dear life. the driver stops for a fuel fill.
i kept on looking on my watch trying to tell myself that i still have time
kept on praying to God that just to give me a minute...just an itsy bitsy minute =(
sad to say...i didnt make it.
sheesh... ironic cuz tomorrow it'll be our cut off.. i could have been safe but nah! it's my fault so no one to blame but me. me alone. well if my team lead will have this "biggie" heart... uhm it can be fixed. =(.

i was thinking. what if that gasoline stop was not made. could i have been lucky? maybe.

this simple mistake is just one of those things that i made in my life that i just thought was simple but not. it can cause me things, in the future. i know that. i have to make amends. i need a drastic change. ASAP.






i bleed. i died.i broke.

dream.

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins
the journey into the unknown. To do this, he
does not regard the world he knows as firm and
fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard
for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is
seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the
sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In
order to explore and expand, one must disregard
convention and conformity. Those in the throes
of convention look at the unconventional,
non-conformist personality and think What a
fool. They lack the point of view to understand
The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in
tradition as one who is closest to the spirit
world. In many tribal cultures, those born with
strange and unusual character traits were held
in awe. Shamans were people who could see
visions and go on journeys that we now label
hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with
physical differences had experience and
knowledge that the average person could not
understand. The Fool is God. The number of the
card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect
circle. This circle represents both emptiness
and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by
mountains and valleys or by his physical body.
He does not accept the appearance of cliff and
air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary
DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/


Which Tarot Card Are You?
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Safe.

Safe.
Bonnie Bailey.
Hed Kandi.Beach House

purely intense, amazing
exquisitely devastated
i'm in a daze and I've drenched an hour a moment

suddenly life's spectacular
i took it full circle
going back to you
always the boy with the yellow rose i just could not forget

and now feelin safe
love is where i wanna be
i can breathe in this serenity i will chase, stumble in your arm
no more historical calamity here
no more historical calamity here

you inspire me fiercely
broken inside my negativity
my fear i place me for
the union of two

relentless in your chivalry
love to lick your lips so faithfully
always the boy with the yellow rose, peacock feather and baby's breath

and now feelin safe
love is where i wanna be
i can breathe in this serenity i will chase, stumble in your arm
no more historical calamity here
no more historical calamity here

my vision is to follow through
i patiently waited this long for you
so completely come soon
God you're beautiful

the whole world fades in a crowded room
a decade full circle
going back to you
always the boy with the yellow rose
i just could not forget

and now feelin safe
love is where i wanna be
i can breathe in this serenity i will chase, stumble on your arms
no more historical calamity here
no more historical calamity here

and now feelin safe
love is where i wanna be
i can breathe in this serenity i will chase, stumble on your arms
no more historical calamity here
no more historical calamity here

i fly.i rule.i bitch around

coming out.leaving.

dont touch me...
wait for me to ask you
wait for me to approach you
i am covered in thin glass
i can be shattered so easily
i am tired
my patience is so short
my understanding left me
i will smile only when i want
i will say whatever i want
i am tired
pleasing
being the good me
or maybe i have not been
maybe i have been trying hard but it was not seen
i want to be alone
i am tired... jaded... marked
i will be happy whenever i want to be
i wont be happy because you are
i will no longer share somebody else's happiness
i will no longer share somebody else's sorrow empathy nor sympathy will not exist within me anymore
i dont care about criticism nor will mind hushes behind my back

withdrawal from the world i so love? yes maybe... for so much love that i reach the part where i realize i am the only one loving, giving love and not leaving... i am not loved, not understood, left behind.. opening my mind.. seeing that i am alone in the world that i adore, i wallowed, pitied myself and realized that i need no one to survive...
just myself
yes!

forget those who pains me
and will pain me more
it's not worth anything

i am alone now... it is by choice.. driven by angst and selfish desire to be happy.
i admit i am wrong. but i will not reveal the reason behind this. like or not. just back off. i have removed one already and it may feel uneasy though the truimphant feeling is overwhelming that i was not able to notice the uneasy quesy feeling it caused... it's not that i had a feeling for this.. though still knowing that for a small amount of time makes me feel that that thing feels uneasy whenever am around.. ha! go on with your life and back off!!!

i look for that something big outside the world i came out.i can see him now.i will conquer.i new.