death.

2 nights ago, i dreamt that i was in the verge of dying. dying without making any sound. but struggling. struggling not out of death, but of fear that no one can save me in that lame way of dying. in my sleep.

that dream reminds me a line from a song... am jealous of the people who are not afraid to die.
am i afraid to die?
why is death being feared?
who are those that are not afraid?
what are the signs of one being not afraid?
when can we say were no longer afraid of death?

i told my colleagues about my dream, and they jokingly said that i need to change.
i need to be good. hehehe.
am i really that bad?
bitchy?
i dunno.
maybe for some.
maybe those things that i have done for them.
are not enough.
am not out to please.
i will just do what i think is enough.


i know why i am not ready to face the big D.
i have not achieved anything yet.
it's not that i am not contented. for who can be contented?
no one.
no one is complete. they just think they are.
no one is satisfied.
they always crave for something, anything.
human will never be contented. no matter what intentions their contentment focuses on.
good. bad.
still they will not be contented.

some say they do not fear death. is it really true? is this braveness?
fearing death is cowardice. is it really true?
but those who have said that they do not fear death, have they been in the "brink" of it?
have they felt how their body stiffened?
how their breath slowly leaves their body.
have they felt that as if there's this big invisble stone on top of their lungs? not hurting them in a way stones should be however it was so heavy that you cannot breath.
have they felt the fear?

maybe they are ready for that, maybe some have already been there.
or maybe they just think that death will be as easy as cutting your breath and whola!

i use to say that, i dont fear facing the big D.
but 2 nights ago.
made me re-think.
next step?
i dont know.
for now. it's enough for me to know.
that i am no longer jealous of people. who are not afraid to die.
my time will come. i will accept it.
but i am not afraid to admit that no matter if i have achieved anything
or nothing when that time comes. i still dread the day i'll face the big D.




fear. it's eating me.