i miss you

i cant believe this...am so used to it that everytime you'll go home andyou'll go back there...you'd see me ...
but this time you didnt just plain went to see me when you got back from the province ...
you asked me if am willing to go for a long distance relationship... am so shocked! and still am...
...miss you so much...i cant believe myself that i said yes?!

again.....

have you ever tried staring a something but not seeing it...like truly seeing it?
i have..always do lately though ...
seems like that i try to look beyond what i am seeing but my mind is blank
y? i dunno...it must be the drug...blame paxil!
i can't
i dont want to
i dunno why
whats wrong...maybe my depression is like this high already...it did overflowed
i dont wanna think anymore...i dont wanna accept things around me
i dont wanna respond to anything
...maybe just maybe ...the answer is with me all the time
...he's there yes i know
...but he's not enough
...i loved him...emphasis on the loveD...
...i may come to love him again because i can see myself enjoying when he's around
but still my demons are there around me ...
i need to fight my demons
i need to kill them
i need to win over my demons
but it seems like my demons are winning this time around
it may not look like that i have them
it may not show the burden
but i can feel myself shutting down sometimes
closing out
signing off out of nowhere
.....


my demons ... do i have to face you? or do i have to just let you stay there?

all in a days' huhum

monday...
he texted me that he's home already..stayin at his place in greenhills again
he just wanted to see me..have some lunch and catching up
but then before that i went to doc psycho...as advised by my tita
reason is that they've been noticing that am getting fat and depress
though aside from they're forcing me to go on diet cuz of my scoliosis
they're just wondering i need some chit chat with the good ol lady doctor

dragging my two feet to san juan to see good ol' lady doctor
all i have in mind is that i'll be staying there for a thousand bucks worth of chit chat
but i never expected that this chit chat will be a unique one
it took me to shell out a thousand bucks-though not mine really
to realize whats wrong with me...uhmmm aside from the perk that i get to have prescription drugs again ...hehehehehe

she just let me talk and talk and talk till it poured my heart out
telling her that i dont think people understand me
then she ended up telling me that it's just that i dont know how to express what's really inside me ...that i have all of these fears of letting people see me hurting
i dunno i just ended arguing again with her


lunch turned out to be nice...

i hate that things gets to be wasted ....

baby it's you

yes it's you
i dont care if you already have someone
you make me feel high,ecstatic and happy
..yes i am happy when am with you
..yes right now i want is you
..i might be not feeling good because of things that are happening right now with me
but thinking of you keep me sane and grounded
inspired? i am yes...you are my driving force

those eyes...before i can look straight but now...
i guess it's this eerie feeling that i am having right now
that i am seeing myself go through same situation..again and again and again
though you still dont know this that i have right now ...
i plea guilty! guilty!...guilty that i am falling!!!


...guilty you bitch!