guilty

i plead guilty already to myself a couple of days ago. yes. i admit. it find it hard to resist. it's like a drug. i know that it's not good for me but then i like while it slowly kills me. i am aware that this will lead to nothing. this is just a dream. a dream that is giving me a temporary high. high that i like so much. i dont know when i will give this up. but i know that since i am into this right now. i will hold on to it. even though i know it is just as good as holding air. soon. i'll realize. what i have is bad.

dilema.

i hate this.
am infatuated.
i like it.
but then i despise it.
i know this is getting worst.
i sleep soundly.
i sleep like a baby.
you are always in my dream.
that dream's like a lullaby.
then... i kept on day dreaming.
i know that i will not happen.
not in a million years from now.
not even in after life.
nor if we get to be reincarnated.
i know this is no carnal need.
i can feel that this is some "girlish feeling".
duuhhhh.

crazy lil bitch in her self made dilema.

i know that you have been shrugging this idea for such a long time now. you liked him from the very day you laid your eyes on him. you can still remember how you two first met. uhm not really met. but he saw you. you saw him. you were in such a bad mood that day. he was with his friends. that day on you knew deep inside your heart that you got this "girly crush" on him. he got all the features you "desire" in a guy. specially the eyes. then you heard your peers. they said they kinda like this guy. but then you cannot admit to them, nor to yourself, that you like this boy next door looking guy also. you wanted to be different. you wanted to act civil with him. but inside you are dying to scream how you really like him.
i think he knows. well he's aware that people like him. most girls do. that he is also aware that he can effortlessly make girls go ga-ga over him.
you wanted to be this tough cookie. go figure girl! find out how you can over come him.
you know you can be friends. you know you cannot avoid that. no matter how much you want. you can never avoid being his not so chummy friend, but the civil kind of friend.
this is hard. i sympathize. i cannot say i empathize for i have long left that sort of thing. that kind of situation.
i've thrown that kind of feeling out of my window. i am a tough cookie now.

damn!
how i wish you'll just evaporate.
you cannot be mine
bitter? yes
damn again!
just dont look at me ok!
stop being nice
uhm are you nice to me?
crazy lil bitch in her self made dilema.
poor you
poor you
poor psychopath. pathetic you.
go to your room
light a cigar
and puff you lungs out of frustration till you die