i hold. i free. i survive.

been awhile ..hahaha

2011-01-05T19:33:00.000-08:00

i fell in and out of love then in again and you're still here.. lavet!

metaphor...talkin'

2007-05-08T18:52:00.000-07:00

ubos na yung ink ng pen na hiniram ko sayo... meaning kung na giging ging pa din ako sayo kalokohan na yun.. kasi dapat ubos na din ang pasensya ko sayo dapat.. persona non grata ka na dapat... uhm i guess oo... =)

sa wakas

2006-06-14T04:22:00.000-07:00

na open ko din ang blog spot ... hehehehe pano wala nito sa ofc naka block. anyway, alot of things happend to me since my last entry here. i have a new job, new company, new faces and again back to drinking. i dont really like my work though am not really that pagod or harrassed with what am doing, i just find it so boring minsan nakaka stress kasi may araw na madaming tangang callers... oh yes! am back to taking calls again. pero my new group's so cool. laging may lakad, inom, kulitan.... super bonding kami ng mga batch mates ko. and medyo normal ang life ko cuz my shift's in the morning. may bago akong crush. who's so nice naman. un lang tulog na ako. maaga pa work ko bukas =)

need to smile

2006-01-19T04:16:00.000-08:00

need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile need to smile. need to smile .
am no longer young.
am always stressed out of nothing
i feel useless which i really am so it's just sinking i guess.. the thought.
i need to let go of my negative side.
but how? nah i may know the answer however i just simply ignore it.
i find it weird.
i need to let go of all the negative thinggies that i have inside and smile.
this entry is pointless like me.

my life

2006-01-06T05:50:00.000-08:00

what do i really want? am i really happy with what i have now? how can i change the way my life is going right now?
there is a certain path that i want to go this year. i dont know how to get to that path but i will do my best to reach that and walk into it. for i know that once i walk on it, my life will may not be the best thing in the world but i will feel the happiness i have been looking for.

guilty

2005-12-18T01:24:00.000-08:00

i plead guilty already to myself a couple of days ago. yes. i admit. it find it hard to resist. it's like a drug. i know that it's not good for me but then i like while it slowly kills me. i am aware that this will lead to nothing. this is just a dream. a dream that is giving me a temporary high. high that i like so much. i dont know when i will give this up. but i know that since i am into this right now. i will hold on to it. even though i know it is just as good as holding air. soon. i'll realize. what i have is bad.

dilema.

2005-12-09T06:39:00.000-08:00

i hate this.
am infatuated.
i like it.
but then i despise it.
i know this is getting worst.
i sleep soundly.
i sleep like a baby.
you are always in my dream.
that dream's like a lullaby.
then... i kept on day dreaming.
i know that i will not happen.
not in a million years from now.
not even in after life.
nor if we get to be reincarnated.
i know this is no carnal need.
i can feel that this is some "girlish feeling".
duuhhhh.

crazy lil bitch in her self made dilema.

2005-12-08T05:03:00.000-08:00

i know that you have been shrugging this idea for such a long time now. you liked him from the very day you laid your eyes on him. you can still remember how you two first met. uhm not really met. but he saw you. you saw him. you were in such a bad mood that day. he was with his friends. that day on you knew deep inside your heart that you got this "girly crush" on him. he got all the features you "desire" in a guy. specially the eyes. then you heard your peers. they said they kinda like this guy. but then you cannot admit to them, nor to yourself, that you like this boy next door looking guy also. you wanted to be different. you wanted to act civil with him. but inside you are dying to scream how you really like him.
i think he knows. well he's aware that people like him. most girls do. that he is also aware that he can effortlessly make girls go ga-ga over him.
you wanted to be this tough cookie. go figure girl! find out how you can over come him.
you know you can be friends. you know you cannot avoid that. no matter how much you want. you can never avoid being his not so chummy friend, but the civil kind of friend.
this is hard. i sympathize. i cannot say i empathize for i have long left that sort of thing. that kind of situation.
i've thrown that kind of feeling out of my window. i am a tough cookie now.

damn!
how i wish you'll just evaporate.
you cannot be mine
bitter? yes
damn again!
just dont look at me ok!
stop being nice
uhm are you nice to me?
crazy lil bitch in her self made dilema.
poor you
poor you
poor psychopath. pathetic you.
go to your room
light a cigar
and puff you lungs out of frustration till you die

bakasyon

2005-11-27T02:06:00.000-08:00

ang aking pang tourist magazine na shot ng beach called "balading" sa matnog sorsogon... umh am i correct....

2weeks from now

2005-11-06T04:07:00.000-08:00

i will be suspended from work because of my tardiness... am not that so disappointed, actually am excited for i will be going home to my dad's province and i'll be bumming in the beach...hehehehe

the sun worshipper

feverish

2005-11-01T05:27:00.000-08:00

am not feeling so well today. i think am having fits of colds coming in.
fits of colds...where that came from?!
anyway i just want to say that aside from i feel feverish today.
i miss blogging!
my work sucks!!! though am getting big bucks! ot! ot! ot!

just you wait and see. am out to get it.

death.

2005-10-26T21:08:00.000-07:00

2 nights ago, i dreamt that i was in the verge of dying. dying without making any sound. but struggling. struggling not out of death, but of fear that no one can save me in that lame way of dying. in my sleep.

that dream reminds me a line from a song... am jealous of the people who are not afraid to die.
am i afraid to die?
why is death being feared?
who are those that are not afraid?
what are the signs of one being not afraid?
when can we say were no longer afraid of death?

i told my colleagues about my dream, and they jokingly said that i need to change.
i need to be good. hehehe.
am i really that bad?
bitchy?
i dunno.
maybe for some.
maybe those things that i have done for them.
are not enough.
am not out to please.
i will just do what i think is enough.

i know why i am not ready to face the big D.
i have not achieved anything yet.
it's not that i am not contented. for who can be contented?
no one.
no one is complete. they just think they are.
no one is satisfied.
they always crave for something, anything.
human will never be contented. no matter what intentions their contentment focuses on.
good. bad.
still they will not be contented.

some say they do not fear death. is it really true? is this braveness?
fearing death is cowardice. is it really true?
but those who have said that they do not fear death, have they been in the "brink" of it?
have they felt how their body stiffened?
how their breath slowly leaves their body.
have they felt that as if there's this big invisble stone on top of their lungs? not hurting them in a way stones should be however it was so heavy that you cannot breath.
have they felt the fear?

maybe they are ready for that, maybe some have already been there.
or maybe they just think that death will be as easy as cutting your breath and whola!

i use to say that, i dont fear facing the big D.
but 2 nights ago.
made me re-think.
next step?
i dont know.
for now. it's enough for me to know.
that i am no longer jealous of people. who are not afraid to die.
my time will come. i will accept it.
but i am not afraid to admit that no matter if i have achieved anything
or nothing when that time comes. i still dread the day i'll face the big D.

fear. it's eating me.

all messed up.

2005-10-12T04:11:00.000-07:00

nah... nothing.
i dont have anything in my mind that i want to write
my brain's blank right now
i just want to heard the keyboard
see words in the screen
blogspot's been blocked in the office
so whenever i dont feel good and i wanted to write all the shit in my blog... i can't
my sentiments. my "kabaduyan" ...they'll just be stucked in my lil ass and be converted into
stinky farts!
talked to ge just awhile ago
gosh how i miss the big fat guy
how i wish he's here
to balance me.
hervee's here but were both so preoccupied that we dont have time to bond
i dont wanna force the guy to spend time with me
he got his own stuff to deal with.
i miss alot of people.
i have been enjoying the comfort of my lil room lately
i feel so eager going home and the idea of going to the office irritates me. alot.
i maybe really hating my job that much
i cant see any growth any achievements or anything nice anymore
blasted.
is this what single life is?
no boyfriend to drive to insanity
no dates
no arguments
just plain me.
i argue with myself.
alot
hmp.
i got this small lump down there somewhere that i can feel
but am scared to face the truth that it might be some dangerous stuff.
hmmm. am wrong. my mind is not blank. it's all messed up.
i cannot gather my thoughts.
or i refuse to.
am not suppose to have this load of angst inside me.
there's one person whom i know have the right to carry loads and loads of angst.
sonny.
hehehe.
i think i need to read more about cyst and cancer.
scary?. maybe. it's in my boom boom... not inside it but in the big fatty area of my boom boom.
that this hard lump exist.
enough.
gotta sleep.

5:32:00...ironic

2005-10-05T06:25:00.000-07:00

clinging to my dear life. the driver stops for a fuel fill.
i kept on looking on my watch trying to tell myself that i still have time
kept on praying to God that just to give me a minute...just an itsy bitsy minute =(
sad to say...i didnt make it.
sheesh... ironic cuz tomorrow it'll be our cut off.. i could have been safe but nah! it's my fault so no one to blame but me. me alone. well if my team lead will have this "biggie" heart... uhm it can be fixed. =(.

i was thinking. what if that gasoline stop was not made. could i have been lucky? maybe.

this simple mistake is just one of those things that i made in my life that i just thought was simple but not. it can cause me things, in the future. i know that. i have to make amends. i need a drastic change. ASAP.

i bleed. i died.i broke.

dream.

2005-10-04T17:26:00.000-07:00

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins
the journey into the unknown. To do this, he
does not regard the world he knows as firm and
fixed. He has a seemingly reckless disregard
for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite deck, he is
seen stepping off a cliff with his gaze on the
sky, and a rainbow is there to catch him. In
order to explore and expand, one must disregard
convention and conformity. Those in the throes
of convention look at the unconventional,
non-conformist personality and think What a
fool. They lack the point of view to understand
The Fool's actions. But The Fool has roots in
tradition as one who is closest to the spirit
world. In many tribal cultures, those born with
strange and unusual character traits were held
in awe. Shamans were people who could see
visions and go on journeys that we now label
hallucinations and schizophrenia. Those with
physical differences had experience and
knowledge that the average person could not
understand. The Fool is God. The number of the
card is zero, which when drawn is a perfect
circle. This circle represents both emptiness
and infinity. The Fool is not shackled by
mountains and valleys or by his physical body.
He does not accept the appearance of cliff and
air as being distinct or real. Image from: Mary
DeLave http://www.marydelave.com/

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Safe.

2005-10-03T02:54:00.000-07:00

Safe.
Bonnie Bailey.
Hed Kandi.Beach House

purely intense, amazing
exquisitely devastated
i'm in a daze and I've drenched an hour a moment

suddenly life's spectacular
i took it full circle
going back to you
always the boy with the yellow rose i just could not forget

and now feelin safe
love is where i wanna be
i can breathe in this serenity i will chase, stumble in your arm
no more historical calamity here
no more historical calamity here

you inspire me fiercely
broken inside my negativity
my fear i place me for
the union of two

relentless in your chivalry
love to lick your lips so faithfully
always the boy with the yellow rose, peacock feather and baby's breath

and now feelin safe
love is where i wanna be
i can breathe in this serenity i will chase, stumble in your arm
no more historical calamity here
no more historical calamity here

my vision is to follow through
i patiently waited this long for you
so completely come soon
God you're beautiful

the whole world fades in a crowded room
a decade full circle
going back to you
always the boy with the yellow rose
i just could not forget

and now feelin safe
love is where i wanna be
i can breathe in this serenity i will chase, stumble on your arms
no more historical calamity here
no more historical calamity here

and now feelin safe
love is where i wanna be
i can breathe in this serenity i will chase, stumble on your arms
no more historical calamity here
no more historical calamity here

i fly.i rule.i bitch around

coming out.leaving.

2005-10-02T18:11:00.000-07:00

dont touch me...
wait for me to ask you
wait for me to approach you
i am covered in thin glass
i can be shattered so easily
i am tired
my patience is so short
my understanding left me
i will smile only when i want
i will say whatever i want
i am tired
pleasing
being the good me
or maybe i have not been
maybe i have been trying hard but it was not seen
i want to be alone
i am tired... jaded... marked
i will be happy whenever i want to be
i wont be happy because you are
i will no longer share somebody else's happiness
i will no longer share somebody else's sorrow empathy nor sympathy will not exist within me anymore
i dont care about criticism nor will mind hushes behind my back

withdrawal from the world i so love? yes maybe... for so much love that i reach the part where i realize i am the only one loving, giving love and not leaving... i am not loved, not understood, left behind.. opening my mind.. seeing that i am alone in the world that i adore, i wallowed, pitied myself and realized that i need no one to survive...
just myself
yes!

forget those who pains me
and will pain me more
it's not worth anything

i am alone now... it is by choice.. driven by angst and selfish desire to be happy.
i admit i am wrong. but i will not reveal the reason behind this. like or not. just back off. i have removed one already and it may feel uneasy though the truimphant feeling is overwhelming that i was not able to notice the uneasy quesy feeling it caused... it's not that i had a feeling for this.. though still knowing that for a small amount of time makes me feel that that thing feels uneasy whenever am around.. ha! go on with your life and back off!!!

i look for that something big outside the world i came out.i can see him now.i will conquer.i new.

i like you...

2005-09-27T22:58:00.000-07:00

[Hook - Ciara]
I ain't neva had nobody show me all the things that you done showed me
And the special way I feel when you hold me
We gone always be together baby that's what you told me
And I believe it (Cause I ain't neva had nobody do me like u)

[Verse 1 - Bow Wow (Ciara)]
Now I done been with different kind of girls
Like I done seen em all but ain't none of them at all (like u)
And I done seen the best of the best
Baby still I ain't impressed cause ain't none of them at all (like u)
If you know how I feel when I chill
If I'm seen with a girl then she gotta be just (like u)
And baby that's the way I feel
And I got no choice but for me to keep it real
Cause when we first got together started hanging out you was
Skeptical at first had to figure out if
I was the kind of guy to try to dog you out but
I ain't that kind of guy you tried to make me out
You found out when you turned into my baby
I showed them other brothers how to treat a lady
I let you drive when I ride that Mercedes
And I ain't trippin or actin shady cause baby you kno

[Hook - Bow Wow & Ciara]
I ain't neva had nobody show me all the things that you done showed me
And the special way I feel when you hold me
We gone always be together baby that's what you told me
And I believe it (Cause I ain't neva had nobody do me like u)

[Verse 2 - Ciara]
And every time I think about you (I cry)
When you ride when you call when you come I (ride)
Your love is a-mazing to me
Can't wait til I see you (I wanna be wit you again)
And every time you're out on the road (I make a trip)
And whenever I'm doing a show (Don't you forget)
That I'm your (main chick)
Who got that (game chick)
One and the (same chick)
The one you can hang with

[Hook - Bow Wow & Ciara]
I ain't neva had nobody show me all the things that you done showed me
And the special way I feel when you hold me
We gone always be together baby that's what you told me
And I believe it (Cause I ain't neva had nobody do me like u)

[Verse 3 - Bow Wow]
Okay when you hit the mall pop tags spend a few g's (jazin?)
Hit the runway to a new season (season)
It ain't nothin it's you the one I care for
Feel like I ain't doing enough that's when I share more (share more)
I give you this give you that what you need love (love)
You know I got it holla at me if you need love (love)
And affection cause i'll be your protection
Kinda hard job but i'll do it to perfection
And you can tell that I ain't tryna let you go
I get with you when I can so that's how I let you kno
And you be trippin cause sometimes I gotta go
But you the first one I hollared to right after my shows
And I was trippin in a sense I was tense
From my body loose around you what imma do without you
I gotta get it together say whateva
Since I met you my life seems so betta

[Hook - Ciara]
I ain't neva had nobody show me all the things that you done showed me
And the special way I feel when you hold me
We gone always be together baby that's what you told me
And I believe it (Cause I ain't neva had nobody do me like u)

[Bow Wow & Ciara]
I ain't neva had nobody show me all the things that you done showed me
And the special way I feel when you hold me
We gone always be together baby that's what you told me
And I believe it (Cause I ain't neva had nobody do me like u)

love the beat of this one...
my mind has been blank for a couple of days now...
writer block?
hmmmm... or in a withdrawal stage of something.. am not an addict of some designer druge huh.. withdrawal cuz am kinda fed of somethings... i am very much craving for a change... hmmm now! the writers block is out! yehey!! i have something to write now!!!

lets change the topic...

my life

2005-09-26T03:13:00.000-07:00

my desktop

2005-09-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

arent they cute?!

french toast for breakfast .. and things in my mind

2005-09-22T01:34:00.000-07:00

i woke up at around 8.30... i was suppose to be up by 6.30 so i can go to work at around 8 am.. but then duh! stupid me... i was up till 3am chattin' and reading email. i was able to talk to sonny.. old mate ;-).. usual talk.. teasin' and messin' around. but even though am single.. i wont be hittin' on him cuz i think he's happy with his life now.

anyway, i went out of my bed and looked for food in the kitchen, i dont know why i felt so hungry... then saw a pack of white bread.. am so sick eating bread just the way it is.. so i went to look for some fresh milk and eggs in our fridge but only found eggs... whoala! i mixed some powdered milked instead..the hell i care what it'll taste like but i want something... sassy.. or better yet.. scary tastin'! hehehe... though the finish product wasnt bad... it went out "sassy"... while eating my so-called french toast.. my mind starting twirling... thinkin... how can i get a big bunchamoney for shopping in singapore... why? cindy's asked me to go with her and eric to singapore next month... am excited cuz it'll be the first time i'll be going out of the country with friends.. i can get money from my meager salary for the fare.. but i wanted to bring lotsa stuff for my folks... then my itsy bitsy brain jumped again to another topic... rj..my friend.. i have never in the entire span of our friendship asked him if he's what or what...though it's been confirmed... that thought put a smile in my face.. it was a funny thought...then it made me count.. how many times have i proven that my world here in manila is small... hehehehe.. it's a small circle that goes round and round back to me..

then while looking at my breakfast... i was thinking.. am i really happy with my life? i mean i know i havent achieved anything yet.. and am drop dead single..hehehe... single... passing by my mind... i thought of him... this guy from somewhere. Mr. Something.. that's how mark and i would call him. But it breaks my heart to think that i didnt made a first good impression to him... and i bet he already have hots for somebody else...so wishing alot for me!!! hmpffff... anyway... i was able to finish my toast and just went to work.... what an ending.... blufff!!!

i got the hots for you...

where are you?

2005-09-21T05:10:00.000-07:00

i snatched this picture from somewhere i cant remember... i like the colors, specially lil lights on the girls hair... it kinda made me feel sad and think of him again... haaay! where are you? i wanted to go home, though possibilty of me seeing you is small... i mean home is so big... i dont know where exactly you are there... i miss you. there are alot of things that i wanted to tell you. like... i did love you. without you knowing... you thought it was only you who did the loving. it pains me alot to think that i hurted you by just saying the other person's name...

am flying away...

am sorry

2005-09-21T00:04:00.000-07:00

i know i have been so harsh and rude today... but then i got offended, i mean i didnt mean to be so damn rude at you. it's not you in whole who i am mad at. but the action made. i cant go mad at those people who did it, they're not my responsibility. but when i saw you crying i got so all mad cuz you're a cry baby! you thought i was so bad but no am not! think! think hard! you're not "bobo"! i wanted to say sorry but then, when i saw you crying... hmp! dead!... i receive an email from a concerned person... thank you. then again there are things that i want to keep for myself. i dont owe anyone an explanation.. i admit there are things that i have done wrong. thanks for respecting my not telling you what the hell is wrong with me.. now back off! yes... i will not be lost for you nor do you for me. lets treat each other as if were just mere strangers working in one place, and we dont like working together... there are things that i dont want to be sticking around me. i might get misunderstood.. i dont want it. just be happy with your life... ok? and i may not be happy with mine but it's none of your damn business. i dont know how i can tell this all to you without offending you but this is how i feel... am just being real.. nawalan ako ng gana mag work.. kahit na andito si crush and sobrang visible sya... although he makes me smile.. nakakainis nga lang he doesnt know who i am...haaaaaay... wish ko lang tlga! ----- ot is open... yey! mag oot off ako tom. i need money... cindy's planning to go to singapore with direk.. yey! 6k lang ang pamasahe... so sa sat. ang gagawin ko hindi ako uuwi mag oot ako from 11 to 5 tpos shift ko ng 5.30am to 2.30... then may laro sa hapon... bahala na si batman!

the bitch inside is near boiling point

twisted lil soul...

2005-09-20T01:57:00.000-07:00

i dunno what came into me, but there's this strong urge inside me to own you..
i know it's not possible
i know it'll be just a mere dream
but i am enjoying every thought of you inside my brain...
those pictures of us together
those mushy moments that i have stored inside me..
it'll be very impossible

i want you so much
not in a sexual way
i dunno why not

whenever i see you just walk
makes my heart flutter.. (eow! is this me?!)
i honestly not just want to be your friend
..i want you!

but this urge of me to own you... makes my soul twisted...

i wanted to hold you so much..
that it kills me inside

wierd

2005-09-18T20:59:00.000-07:00

i was suppose to go to work this morning... overtime... but i woke up late... haaaay... SAYANG! kainis... i had this wierd dream... haaay... i was in this "party" but then i was with this guy... i cant remember him now... pero sa dream ko.. his face was so clear... tpos sya daw yung guy i was dating and instead of staying late sa party we went out daw and checked in in some posh hotel tpos we had sex... hmmmm...

i still am longing to see those what if's ....

what a day...

2005-09-17T06:27:00.000-07:00

we had a game today and i sucked big time...wehehehehe... am not used to playing anymore... sorry team mates! atleast you guys put up a great fight.... nde kayo na default ;-)

am a sucker for the big wide green space... it goes into my head... it makes me feel insane

infatuation that hurts alot

2005-09-17T06:11:00.000-07:00

I can still remember the way he looks the last time we saw, that was somewhere in '95... pretty face looks tired and eyes all lit up... he jsut came back from one of his outside work... he worked for a factory in taguig.. it's part of his vocation that he works to different places to experience life.. in its reel real form.. he's not used to working like really hard work for he came from a well off family.. he called me that day, he was so excited for he is going to treat me with his first hard earned money. He is my biggest crush.. and i think then he treats me like his lil sister... though then.. i was involved and in love... or so i think.. with another guy... but i still went out to see him. He didnt really know that i am attached then... though i was so young way back then.. I am 15 and he 2o or so... i told him about this other guy.. since i am blind with love.. i ignored the hurt i saw in his eyes ... that was the last meeting we had.. he said goodbye and he looked tired and hurt... when we parted.. the urge to run after him and tell him i love him was so strong.. though, age gap came in.. what if he laughs at me.. and what if what i thought i saw was hurt was only a figment of my imagination? and if everything was not just what i wanted to think it was.. that it really was hurt... we will still be a taboo. so i went back home and didnt mention anything to my partner then...

4 years ago, my cousin told me that he got married already... he didnt make it.. he didnt become a priest...

the news didnt surprised me.. it was the hurt that came in... :(

i fell asleep and never saw the sun go down....

one more chance...madonna

2005-09-13T06:46:00.000-07:00

I turned around too late to see the fallen star
I fell asleep and never saw the sun go down
I took your love for granted
Thought luck was always on my side
I turned around too late and you were gone

[Chorus:]

So give me one more chance
Darlin' if you care for me
Let me win your love
'Cause you were always there for me
If you care for me,
Be there for me

I like to play the queen of hearts and never thought I'd lose
I rolled the dice but never showed my hand
I planned it out so perfectly,
So you'd never leave a girl like me
I was a fool, but now I understand

[chorus]

Here is the law of the land
You play with fire and you'll get burned
Here is the lesson I've learned
That you don't know what you've got til it's gone

[chorus, without last two lines]

Gimme one more chance
Tell me that it's not too late
Let me win your love
Darlin' please don't hesitate
If you care for me,
Be there for me

Give me one more chance

things left unsaid.... are not nice...
what if's sucks
chances are slim

Etc.

2005-09-13T05:58:00.000-07:00

can't you get my actions? i simply hate you! hate you being around or even near me... i despise you.. OK! i dont even want you to be my friend.. sh!t!... pleaseeee!!! i dont know what suddenly happend that i hate you like this... not just the sight of you, even the sound of your name! please!! argh!!!!! honestly? i want you miles away from me! like you go to hell..will be even better! i hate you i hate you! i dont want you to be near me... not even within the same place i am in... argh!!

i dont want to see you hear you... i dont want to be your enemy however i dont want you as a fried nor someone i know! i want you to be just a mere stranger... people might misunderstood this a me falling ... but no! am not i really find you icky!... nadidiri ako sayo!... hmp! I SWEAR!

on the brighter side of my life...
i saw my crushie 4x last week...including last sunday... he's such a cutie
we'll have a game this sat. (volleyball) i dont wanna play really for one reason... i dont have a new pair of rubber shoes...
my younger bro's taking his test at ateneo come this sat.... goodluck kap
am enjoying my work now. though my eyes are hurting alot lately... i need to wear glasses again which i hate cuz they hurt. i was suppose to have this 10 days vacation somewhere though decided to postpone it. i wanted to go to australia, live and work there for a year, hope God permits, just for a year. though my mom's planning to send me off to london with my lola and lolo. possibly late this year. watever! what i really want is to go out of the country for a year and have a life of my own.

am trying to look on the happy side of life... really

dont you just hate it?

2005-09-12T05:24:00.000-07:00

when you realize that you have been an outsider all along?
that you thought you were cared for the same way you do?
that you thought everything's genuine? while all along everything's fake?
maybe it was not meant to be like that... but when have i been wrong with my instincts?
maybe some are true.. however they have changed. here i go again... once more misunderstood
do i always have to explain myself when i feel that there is something wrong with the surroundings? .. honestly, i dont owe anyone any damn explanation.. i'll just go on with my life... space my self 'till everything will just go away...far away, like nothing had happend. no moments shared. they're just another flock that i have crossed. no need to linger. no reason to hold on. dont owe any explanation. am plain tired of exerting effort.... term in tagalog.. KSP. there might have been some selfish reasons behind these events. some personal slacks that needs to be tackled. and enough for me to be giving much attention to those things, they're not my business. i wont die with it. so whats the point of bantering about these things?... mediocre... i just want to "exhale"....

life's shitty.... sometimes

dream

2005-09-11T01:17:00.000-07:00

last night i had this long dream.. about my long lost friend emil. It was like we (me and my mom and my son) about to enter this resto and i saw him... i hesitated to call him though something pushed me to shout his name... he seemed to have not changed in my dream... he didnt looked old and he still have that silly smile. it was one of those dreams that you get a clear vision on whats going on and you can still remember every single detail when you wake up. we talked, the way we used to talk, no holds barred, and he kept on flashing that childish smile to me.. which i find it cute.. then he told me that he already have a wife and a kid... i woke up sad. i dunno why i woke up sad.. maybe cuz i miss him.. and i was not able to tell him my true feelings. If i'll be given a chance to see him. maybe i will, there's still the word maybe. haaaaaaaaaaaay!!!

give me one more chance.. if care for me

going...sore.. not trusting n'more

2005-09-11T00:33:00.000-07:00

am tired...
seeing that..
hearing that
doing that

am pissed off
i dont know if i still wanna be with..
if i still like..
do i still trust?
no

no.. i dont think so...
do i still like being?
no

is it really true?
what have been showed?
i dont think so

was i have been liked?
hypocrisy? yah no doubt

why?
am not comfortable around
have i opened?
no

do i still wanna see?
be around?
have i ever felt at home?
maybe...

no! really? even once? yes...
but most of the time?

am floating... not with angst
disgust?
nice...yeah kinda
care?...not the kind of care i know..well not all

i feel sore...
being
around...

i dont like
i'll go...

back again....

2005-08-13T05:39:00.000-07:00

out of nowhere...i just checked my messages and found his...saying... hi... if you still wanna keep in touch here's my number... hmmmm.. i've been ignoring that message for 2months now... didn't read it.. i dunno why all of a sudden..i clicked on it...then picked up my phone and stored his number... after loggin' off.. i texted him.. hey it's me.. nyt!

...WHY?!!!... i dunno why... i myself dont know the reason why.. cuz i got my phone back? nah! or maybe i want him back.. but it's been months already.. he might have his own life now.. moved on.. stuff like that... nah! i dont care.. confused? me? maybe.. lotsa questions why... he's nice.. he likes me.. he's good looking huh!.. though young.. he cares for me.. he even said he loves me... i cant explain why am so cautious... am not afraid and am not playin around.. OK!?!... it's just that.. am still not sure.. i mean.. me... am not sure of myself.. i maybe hurting him.. but it's better off this way.. i dunno.. can somebody help me figure out what's inside my head! damn!

Good bye

2005-07-22T08:57:00.000-07:00

i cant think of any reason why you have betrayed me
i cant think of any reason why you have lied to me
i cant think of any reason why me of all people...

we could have not ended things this way
i could have given you that space of forgiveness in my heart
i could have told you how big that space is

i also have lied to myself
alot of times
i also made reasons for myself for the things that has happend between us
reasons to justify the faulty things we have made

it has not just been tainted
the friendship didnt just been shattered
i was shattered as well

you maybe ashamed to admit it to me that you have done something wrong
but if you said i am your friend
you should have known that i will accept whatever reasons you will give me
as long as you will say sorry

you need not to admit it to other people
you need to admit it to me directly
you need not to make any stories up

i am shattered
not just of what had happend
but of my actions

i... when lovin g a friend, treasure's it like my life
when a friend do me wrong.. i give chances
as long as they say sorry
i...also say sorry if i do something wrong

you... have not
you... are planning
you... are too late

remember ... that once i love a friend i love them the way i love my life
... like my family
... like jewels.. it treasure them

but ... then again
i am as short minded as anyone can be...
so goodbye

i will accept your sorry but that will not mean i forgive you
all of your hard work will be gone
and i dont care
i am no longer saddened for i know that sorry you will say to me is not from your heart
it is well planned

you know how bad i can be right? but this is not simply being bad
this is simply me... asking for justice
for the wrong doing that happened to me

good bye... stranger

it's tainted... i wont hold on it n'more.. am afraid it might cut deep

am not falling am not falling

2005-06-24T05:12:00.000-07:00

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am not falling am not falling

there must be something here that i ought to see

sham!!!

2005-06-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

been looking at you from afar....putakels! biggest frustration!...nah! maybe not... i mean... i dunno what i mean! am so f@!ckd up! blah! i like you...am sure you dont like me the way i do... hmpfffffffff!!!! i need to get over this... huhuhuhuhu

sham...evrything's a sham!

missing pedestal

2005-05-22T22:19:00.000-07:00

we lost our pedestal plus! i lost my headphones!!!....it sucks!!! punyeta!!!!

it's hard to live a normal life

2005-05-17T07:05:00.000-07:00

normal life normal life...9-6 work hours thinggy...rush hours...night caps...lunch breaks during 12noon..not midnigth...sleeps at night...not work...night cream applied during night time...sleepy head...sleepy me...stressed! but not that much though...am enjoying though am poor

gimik

2005-05-17T03:52:00.000-07:00

last friday me and my colleagues went out...we went clubbing and i woke up the next day ...my feet hurts like hell and my hair smells like an ashtray havent been washed for a couple of weeks..so damn sticky...i cant walk..spent the day in bed though since i cant stand having my hair feeling so yucky i pulled my self up and took a shower...my veins are like so damn mad at me...almost 5 hours of clubbing and no sex! duh! i cant consider it a dull night though...am with my friends...

closure o arte lang

2005-05-12T01:46:00.000-07:00

according to the cards... of our in house manghuhula i need to deal with my past for it is blocking the blessings that am suppose to be getting...haaaay...the only past that i know that i havent dealt with is alexis...we never talked about what had happened...never said sorry to each other...never forgave for the hurtful actions made... were civil, though that's just mask... HOW IN HELL CAN I DEAL WITH THIS? ...how that i dont know where to start?!...am afraid to tell him i forgive him because he might give me a blank face and i'll just might lose my temper and slap him?! nah! just go on...nah nah nah!... just this one chance... after the talk...wala na! pero i just need to make sure na everything's sorted out.... i need to make a plan... i need to.. i need to...because i want to move on! its been 10 years! so i have to! am too old for this angst! this should be history...do i want to totally erase him?

closure o arte lang?

2005-05-12T01:44:00.000-07:00

hate you

2005-04-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

hows this for a starter?.... i hate you
i hate your guts
i want you to die
go to hell
....unreasonable bitch....

club of hearts

2005-03-27T08:08:00.000-08:00

game of cards...
ask your questions and i'll deal the deck of cards
i'll try to read...not what's on the table
but whats on your mind....
happiness comes from within....
from the answers we want to hear for our questions ....that's happiness from within

he doesn't see me....

2005-02-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

When he passes me byHe's a ray of light
Like the first drop of sun
From the sky
And I know he's a king
Who deserves a queen
But I'm not a queen
And he doesn't see me
When he dances
He moves me to a smile
And I see everything
Near him shine
There's a grace in his ways
That I can't containI haven't that grace
Oh, I haven't that grace
And the closer he gets
I can't help but hide
So ashamedOf my body and voice
There are boundaries
We pass in spite of the war
But our own
We can't seem to cross
She has a way that surrounds her
So delicate
With a glory that reigns in her life
She is also so much that she is not
These things I can't see
'Cause he doesn't see me
Oh-oh-oh ... And he doesn't see me
There are things we can change
If we just choose to fight
But the walls of injustice are high
When he passes me by
He's a ray of lightLike the first drop of sun
From the skyAnd I know he's a king
Who deserves a queen
Someone other than me
So different from me
Oh-oh-oh ... He doesn't see me
Oh-oh-oh ... He doesn't see me
He doesn't see me

i miss you

2004-12-16T16:32:00.000-08:00

i cant believe this...am so used to it that everytime you'll go home andyou'll go back there...you'd see me ...
but this time you didnt just plain went to see me when you got back from the province ...
you asked me if am willing to go for a long distance relationship... am so shocked! and still am...
...miss you so much...i cant believe myself that i said yes?!

again.....

2004-12-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

have you ever tried staring a something but not seeing it...like truly seeing it?
i have..always do lately though ...
seems like that i try to look beyond what i am seeing but my mind is blank
y? i dunno...it must be the drug...blame paxil!
i can't
i dont want to
i dunno why
whats wrong...maybe my depression is like this high already...it did overflowed
i dont wanna think anymore...i dont wanna accept things around me
i dont wanna respond to anything
...maybe just maybe ...the answer is with me all the time
...he's there yes i know
...but he's not enough
...i loved him...emphasis on the loveD...
...i may come to love him again because i can see myself enjoying when he's around
but still my demons are there around me ...
i need to fight my demons
i need to kill them
i need to win over my demons
but it seems like my demons are winning this time around
it may not look like that i have them
it may not show the burden
but i can feel myself shutting down sometimes
closing out
signing off out of nowhere
.....

my demons ... do i have to face you? or do i have to just let you stay there?

all in a days' huhum

2004-12-08T06:41:00.000-08:00

monday...
he texted me that he's home already..stayin at his place in greenhills again
he just wanted to see me..have some lunch and catching up
but then before that i went to doc psycho...as advised by my tita
reason is that they've been noticing that am getting fat and depress
though aside from they're forcing me to go on diet cuz of my scoliosis
they're just wondering i need some chit chat with the good ol lady doctor

dragging my two feet to san juan to see good ol' lady doctor
all i have in mind is that i'll be staying there for a thousand bucks worth of chit chat
but i never expected that this chit chat will be a unique one
it took me to shell out a thousand bucks-though not mine really
to realize whats wrong with me...uhmmm aside from the perk that i get to have prescription drugs again ...hehehehehe

she just let me talk and talk and talk till it poured my heart out
telling her that i dont think people understand me
then she ended up telling me that it's just that i dont know how to express what's really inside me ...that i have all of these fears of letting people see me hurting
i dunno i just ended arguing again with her

lunch turned out to be nice...

i hate that things gets to be wasted ....

baby it's you

2004-12-03T08:45:00.001-08:00

yes it's you
i dont care if you already have someone
you make me feel high,ecstatic and happy
..yes i am happy when am with you
..yes right now i want is you
..i might be not feeling good because of things that are happening right now with me
but thinking of you keep me sane and grounded
inspired? i am yes...you are my driving force

those eyes...before i can look straight but now...
i guess it's this eerie feeling that i am having right now
that i am seeing myself go through same situation..again and again and again
though you still dont know this that i have right now ...
i plea guilty! guilty!...guilty that i am falling!!!

...guilty you bitch!

blank

2004-11-27T14:57:00.000-08:00

sitting alone in a park
she was thinking about things around her
trying to close her self out from the world outside
trying not to exist

wonderin' why all of a sudden
she felt the need to let go
to be a persona non grata...numb...from everything
is she sad? because she's alone...because she can not have somebody to hold on to
specially now that she can feel that she is drowning..drowning from sorrows..sorrows of unknown things..need to search for what are those...

sensitive...yes she is extra sentive nowadays
she can feel that someone out there still loves her
but that someone knows that cannot be
it still hurts her to feel that..but then she stops
and thinks..maybe i am just hallucinating..maybe i am just confused
maybe i am the one who is still holdin on

but no...she tells herself...am sure of that, that i have long trashed that feeling
violently trashed it because she wanted to feel the pain till it kills the feeling
and that part of her...dead can't feel anything anymore once they're dead so she did put it to death...

she wanted to start over again but then how? she wonders
how the hell can i start over..she tells herself

she just wanted to simply shut herself off from the world
leave things behind
if she can't do that...blowing a couple of strands of hair on her face...
i might just shout...shout till my last breath says goodbye
and sanity leaves and closes the door....she can hear herself saying

..she wanted not to die but just to simply forever looking at horizon till it blinds her
pity on her...she's alone, confuse and in pain
..there's no hand for her to reach on
...there's no body beside her to make her feel the warmth
...there's no soul for her to search
...she's alone and nothing

...there are things that are more horrible than death...like being alone

galing...cheap

2004-11-27T13:10:00.000-08:00

grabe! when i saw you do your thing..you're like sh!t galing!...
ironic cuz someone youre someone special is there also in the crowd
watching...sad....
sad..sad...sad me...haaaaaaay
but then before that...eating there with you
just you and me
cheap!! blah! but i dont care
i like you
how i wish you cant see me
...i can kiss you anytime
...hug you when i want
...hold you hand
also cant hear me so that i can shout how much i like you
...learned my lesson well not take somebody's someone
..so..i'll just keep on wishing that she'll leave you one day and you'll be all mine
oooppppsss ...i also need to wish that you'll get to notice me after she leaves you

thinkingof you makes me feel queezy

blah

2004-11-01T09:13:00.000-08:00

Love is never easy, butIt turns life into song.
There is no bit of circumstance
That love cannot transform.
There is no weary moment
Of anger or despair
That love cannot convert to grace
And render whole and fair.
How passionate the paradise
That comes from knowing well
That someone in your happiness
Finds pleasure for himself.
How sweet the gift of giving to
Someone who gives to you,
A selflessness that gives to self
More self than self is due.
With all the searing madness ofThe world from day to day,
And all the dreary sadness that
No joy can take away,
There is one truth more beautifulThan anyone can bear:
That two can trust that when they turn
They'll find the other there.

place where i wanna be

2004-10-31T13:56:00.000-08:00

sitting here alone in my room...fucked up and bored and depress at same time... reassesing whats missing in my life...a partner? maybe financial stability? more shoes to be added on my ever growing collection?nice job that i really like? or just need to have enough time to see the horizon...to spend time with the sun and sand and the blue ocean around..and to watch the stars peacefully at night... am so bored with my life...its not that money and career don't matter anymore...but the thing is ...where's life? i used to just simply live life the way i want it should be ...near life itself...get to have problems...yes, but still feel that i am alive not just a mere walking zombie forced to do things...it is much more better to be just a slave....one have a choice to get out and walk away....point is....i wanna just simply live beside the beach and have time again to appreciate the beauty it offers...also if it's not too much of an asking ...also have someone beside me to watch the stars above at night....what i have right now is not what i can say i despise though...i got friends around me...my family..my son. i get to go out, go crazy, booze up all night but then after all of those craziness? what? nothin. one realizes the dilemma of getting old when one's near it...speacially if one doesnt have a better half ...blah blah blah again! i hate life ..the one that i have right now..not because am single and stuff like that it's just that i am not at the place where i want to be...i love the people i am with right now...but then... i just can where i wanna be...the beach...where the sand is gleaming white, the water sparkling blue and the sun is scorching hot but the wind is whistling a fine lullaby....haaaaaaaaaay....

....i just hope that you'll be my man....

i didnt mean to

2004-10-28T23:17:00.000-07:00

o yes....some of my friends think you're cute clean looking and stuff like. ako? i dont...noon... kasi my impression of you is like bully ka or something... but now i seem to like you...nagiging close na tayo... you even would hug me. even though we dont get to see each other that much. i know i know here i go again.. no this is not the samething though as what i felt before for someone...but alteast i know now that i am moving on...yah i still do have feelings for that other guy but blah...forget it... i like you... specially when you smile... you dont look arrogant to me nmore...i feel like you're starting to notice me..or it is just that youre just starting to make friends with me? ...basta what i know is that i like you now! and i think this will start to grow....

bitches will forever be bitches..can be bitchier though

fucked up and bored!

2004-10-03T09:02:00.000-07:00

i just cant believe it...am starting to get so bored on my work now....and i kinda miss this guy...haaaaaaaaay

i hate you so much

2004-09-20T08:14:00.000-07:00

: i cant access my email!!!
then my phone ringing... cant answer it cuz am on the road
after a couple of rings...it stopped
then after a minute...phone ringing again
: how in the fuck can i reply to your text?!
: hi...
: i cant open my email! the sign in screen keeps on popping up
what wrong with the email?! bakit ganun? i cant use my own computer and even get my email
: i changed your password di ba sabi mo nung isang araw na iba ang gusto mong password?
: eh para saan tong ...bleep bleep?!
:wala na yan, i gave yo uthe password tht you would want to us na di ba?
: anong password it? bleep bleep?
: oo yan yun, there's nothing wrong with your account, there's something wrong in whatyou are doing
: anong mali ko dito
: (pikon na pikon na ako) wla ako sa harap ng computer ok papunta pa lang ako sa ofc i-oopen ko yung email mo
: nakakainis nde ko magamit ang sarili kong computer
: o sige tetext kita pag dating ko sa ofc
after a couple of minutes...
1message received: i already was able to access my email thanks! :D
me? deadma.. why would i reply to something that made me so damn mad about?
how many times have you done this to me?
yelling on me over the phone like am some shitty employee of you that i am obliged to follow your every whim?
i do understand that youre pissed off that i wasnt able to accompany you to that fucking concert
but i did my best, i applied for a leave but the thing is, you texted me on a such short notice
you even dont know upto what extent are my efforts are in pleasing you...
i just plain hate you
although youre my friend but it pains me alot that when you are mad...you dont seem to stop and think...if you are hurting someone

love daw!

2004-09-13T06:07:00.000-07:00

Love is never easy, butIt turns life into song.
There is no bit of circumstance
That love cannot transform.
There is no weary momentOf anger or despair
That love cannot convert to grace
And render whole and fair.
How passionate the paradise
That comes from knowing well
That someone in your happiness
Finds pleasure for himself.
How sweet the gift of giving to
Someone who gives to you,
A selflessness that gives to self
More self than self is due.
With all the searing madness ofThe world from day to day,
And all the dreary sadness thatNo joy can take away,
There is one truth more beautifulThan anyone can bear:
That two can trust that when they turn
They'll find the other there.

Southern Girl

2004-08-24T05:54:00.000-07:00

Is everything a baited hook?
And are there locks on our doors?
If your looking for an open book
Look no further, I am yours
We'll behave like animals
Swing from tree to tree
We can do anything That turns you up and sets you free
You're an exception to the rule
You're a bonafide rarity
You're all I ever wanted
Southern girl
Could you want me?
So come outside and walk with me
We'll try each other on to see if we fitAnd with our roots, become a tree
To shade what we make, under it We'll behave like animals
Swing from tree to treeWe can do anything
That turns you up and sets you freeYou're an exception to the rule
You're a bonafide rarityYou're all I ever wantedSouthern girl
Could you want me?

adam

2004-08-20T11:34:00.000-07:00

ADAM LEVINE... nice sexy eyes

I am Adam from Maroon 5

elementary girl

2004-08-15T13:57:00.000-07:00

My Element is Light. I am friendly, happy,
social, bubbly, and can brighten up any one's
day. I am very kind and a real people person
because you have several friends (or atleast
should). And cheery nature makes me lovable
and my stunning looks are sweet and stand
out.

my sign virgo tells me

2004-08-15T13:27:00.000-07:00

"Virgo"

August 22 - September 21Try not to be so much of a stick-in-the-mud today, dear Virgo. Other people aren't going to want to take the time to pull you out and drag you along with them. Take the initiative yourself. If you want to have fun, you need to create it for yourself. The biggest part of this equation is simply your attitude. Realize that other people can sense your jealous nature, so don't think you are fooling anyone. Let others live their lives. You need to concentrate on your own.....

he doesnt touches me anymore

2004-08-15T12:49:00.000-07:00

last friday... Ivo (my friend) and I went to Greenblet 3 to watch a film... The Village, last screening at around 12am. the film was quite stressful because of the sound effects that makes you close your eyes but still nothing happens. Though the story was not that really scary if one will base it from the trailer. the movei do have this twist about a village that a group of people created because of their horrid past.. and they want to keep innocence intact... there are lines in the movie that one will find corny and too deep to absorb as mushy but well after a little while one will think that it was nice and ironic... "you stopped touching me or holding my hands"...

Happy thoughts... lighthouse

2004-08-09T05:42:00.000-07:00

I can sometimes see myself up inside a lighthouse.

Up into its tower, looking outside..

staring at the beautiful horizon ahead.

Just me there, alone..watching the sun setting down,

feeling the afternoon breeze unto my face.

Listening to the sounds of the birds around,

with nothing in my head just the view ahead, the sounds around, and the wind.

This thing gives me a feeling of total abandonment of the world that gives me alot of pain.

I can feel total isolation and freedom, peace and quite and happiness... total nirvana...

-==how i wish i can take you there with me but.. no i can't..cause time will not allow..still loving you=--

the 80's list continued

2004-08-07T14:06:00.000-07:00

some nice things and places that we can connect to the 80's
1. Astroboy!! ( I love astroboy)
2. sybelles ( i hope that i got the spelling right, this is where my mum use to buy her shoes)
3. fairmart ( do we still have this one?)
4. rustans makati with a nice park outside so that one can eat their waffled hotdog on stick
5. fiesta carnival with waffled hotdog still ( i think that was my favorite food then) ... enchanted kingdom of the 80's kiddos
6. waffled hotdog and snow cones
7. Aga dancing the moonwalk...bwahahahaha
9. student canteen
10. uncle bob's lucky 7 club
11. SM toy store (toy kingdom? blah!)
12. bazooka bubblegum and their comics
13. tarzan bubblegum nyahahahaha!!!
14. george estregan.. porn king of the phil. movie industry together with his softdrinks sarsi and pepsi...coke? there's no coke?
15. john and marsha
16. tito pepe and his kwarta o kahon
17. kuya germs and his bellstar dancers
18. yellow cabs...not the pizza but the yellow cabs, plus the love bus
19. makati atrium, posh place before where you can have chit chats and coffee..though still standing there, my mum use to take me along with her there before
20. micheal jackson and his thriller mtv

well i still do have alot to add on my 80's list and am loving doing this list but am tired now so i'll just go home for a the meantime and get a good nigth sleep, but what really makes me feel 80'ish is that when i look into old pics and see my mum posing in our old house in the province with me and my brother beside her and she's wearing short shorts...hehehehehe

for my dad

2004-08-07T09:02:00.000-07:00

I am what people call an "unica hija", the first child and the only girl. my dad considers me a gift cuz he doesnt have any girl sibling and am so close to him, although my mumsie is my bestfriend and my brothers are my barkada. my dad was able to take care of me when i was still small but because were not rich and my parents wants to give the world to us, when i was three, he went to work abroad, first was to saudi, he would go home once a year then will stay with us for like a month which we consider lucky us or just a week. then after 5 years of going out, my parents decided to go home to mumsie's province, bacolod, and just put up a small business, we had then a small rice store but after three years before edsa 1, fire ate up our business... we didnt have any choice then but to go back to manila and for dad to go abroad, this time off to the land of milk and honey and lotsa dumb people (whahahha). he worked for disney world's luxury ship, "the big red boat", as a chief butcher, he'd go home to us once a year a again and this time were lucky if he stays with us for 2weeks. he do spoils me, educated and sent me good school, gave me material stuff, my classmates then even tease me, what manel wants manel gets. happy? me? yes i am somehow, but i do sometimes wish that i do have a complete family, complete in the sense that my mum, dad, brothers are there everytime i go home... that when someone courts me then i got this dad who can bully the guy and tell him not to hurt my li'l girl, that when someone breaks my heart i can go home crying and that i can cry on his shoulders, not just cry but whail my heart out till i get tired and fell asleep. i know he tries to see to it that he's there at every significant occassion in my life like my first js prom, though he missed my debut. he did called, yes, i know he can feel that his li'l girl misses him alot. i cant remember how many xmas's that we missed having him with us. it's been five years now since he last went home, he do calls us up, we do send text messages once in awhile, he is still the best provider ever materially but still i know that he is aware that we are longing for him to be with us so much and that how he wish that were still li'l kids... corny it may sound but while doing this one, my eyes are in tears. miss you dad...soooooooo much!

the 80's stuff and all

2004-08-06T10:29:00.000-07:00

Time can never mend the careless whispers of a good friend
To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind
there's no comfort in the truth pain is all you'll find ....

lines from george micheal's song careless whispers..that was song that blurted on me when i turned on my radio this morning, then it brought me back to memory lane... the 80's..(baduy! mag reminisce ba?).. i was born at the dawn of the 80's, basically grew up listening to chicago, rolling stones, pink floyd, metallica, queen, bob marley, aerosmith, kiss (courtesy of my uncles and my dad), but then i cant help but love madonna and george micheal (which i find very very sexy and i dont care if he's gay) eventhough then everytime i wake up in the morning i can hear mama i killed a man in our radio... and my lullaby is color my world by chicago.

The 80's are the days of big hair and shocking colors, corny it may look but i listed down things that i was able to pull up in my cerebrum hehehehe:
1. shocking hairs courtesy of aquanet
2. sneaker,trets and high cut converse
3. tight fit jeans for men
4. trapper keepers for school
5.rainbow brite
6. striped blouses ( my mum and i used to own some then hehehe)
5. white pants (baston dapat!) and the GET USED prints on your pants
6. big belts
7. walkman
8. beta max (laser disc and vhs came on the later part i guess and early 90's)
9. Gabby Concepcion and Aga with the bagets are your kind of man (i find herbert bautista then cute)
10. short shorts for GUYS!!!
11. pair it with long socks
12.COD every christmas and the big xmas tree in araneta
13.ice cream parlors are in not coffee shops (lost ang starbucks!)
14.G.I joes and transformer
15. family computer, you're a hit if you know mario bros and you already have beaten king koppa and also that you also know battle city like the back of your hands
17. Papa dont preach!!
19. the seiko wallet jingle every afternoon in your t.v.
20. See True (i forgot the shampoo jingle they use to play there hehehe)

to be continued....

Lack of Sleep and all those shit

2004-08-06T05:53:00.000-07:00

My shift ended at around 5am this morning, and after eating brunch with a couple of friends, went home at around 12, was not able to get sleep right away cuz got some visitors a home. the boogieman visited me at around 3pm and my clock shouted at me at around 5pm... but still i was able to find energy to pull myself up and go to work. funny though, i know that am so tired and all but still i feel so high, my energy level is way up on ten... why do i feel so perky perky today? am i trying to hide something? i know deep down inside me i am covering up for something.. i am in denial, i just wanna look happy but i know am not... this is hard but i am enjoying it, it makes me look stupid and it makes me feel weak, i know i am weak, i am a coward, i am nothing... aaaaaarrrrgggghhh!! i dont wanna feel so damn depressed so i guess i'll just go on with this "joke" i have going on..

forwarded poem

2004-08-05T11:15:00.000-07:00

Love is never easy, butIt turns life into song.
There is no bit of circumstanceThat love cannot transform.
There is no weary momentOf anger or despair
That love cannot convert to graceAnd render whole and fair.
How passionate the paradiseThat comes from knowing wellThat someone in your happinessFinds pleasure for himself.
How sweet the gift of giving toSomeone who gives to you,
A selflessness that gives to self
More self than self is due.
With all the searing madness ofThe world from day to day,
And all the dreary sadness thatNo joy can take away,
There is one truth more beautifulThan anyone can bear:
That two can trust that when they turn
They'll find the other there.

excerpts

2004-08-05T05:00:00.000-07:00

Through the fireTo the limit,
to the wall
For a chance to be with youI’d gladly risk it all
Through the fire
Through whatever,
come what may
For a chance at loving youI’d take it all the way
Right down to the wire
Even through the fire

ohmigosh!!!!

2004-08-02T05:27:00.000-07:00

I am going to Marry Josh Hartnett according to this blah site. He is really
shy, but don't let that fool you. He is really
outgoing and sweet with those he loves and will
be loyal to them for the rest of his life.
Congrats!! for me..dream on!! but i really like him..soooo sexy!!!
my type of guy?..someone fun to be with.. not dumb, not that sexy, and will love me..for who i am..who doesnt want that kkind of kind of guy huh?!

meantime girl

2004-07-31T04:57:00.000-07:00

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh. She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.
She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She's too laid-back, too easily amused by thesame things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable - she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does. But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine. You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows thereal you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve.
You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have toexplain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with thefact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have anyreal romantic feelings for her.
It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her howthe date went. She's just so cool . . . why can't all women be like that?! But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair.
You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, becauseshe doesn't have to give in to your needs - she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman.
So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion,the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman. You'll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, andshe'll laugh and make a joke about a smelly rental tux. She doesn't captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile.Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Am a meantime girl... been there done that.. but still looking forward to that someone who will break in and let me out again...

miss you

2004-07-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

i never expected that you'll text me back cuz i have been texting you before but i wasnt getting any answer, so your reply took me by surprise and you even did replied again and again that night. but only that night... i told myself not to linger anymore on things that i cant have, i'll just think happy thoughts. not think of you, not even talk to you but i cant help it. i cant even help not feel missing you. i know i know it's wrong but, well sad me then...

in my phone...
text-unsent message-just wanna let you know i miss you.

first time

2004-07-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

WAAAAAAAAAH!!!!is this nice ..what else can put in here? what kind of pictures can i attach here?